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PRONUNCIATION?

A man and his wife were driving through the beautiful Welsh
countryside one day when they came across a road sign which read
"Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch"
(The longest town-name in the world). The husband says the
name and his wife laughs.

"That's not how you pronounce it", she says and proceeds to
say it herself. Her husband nearly crashes the car laughing
and they start debating how to pronounce the name.

Well the debate soon becomes an argument and coming up to
lunch time they pull into a restaurant in the town whose
name is the subject of the argument. As they're settling
their bill, the wife says to the cashier, "Excuse me, but
would you mind settling an argument between my husband and
me? Could you possibly pronounce the name of where we are,
only please do it very very slowly".

The cashier leans forward and says...
"Buuuuuuurrrrrrrgggggeeeeeeeerrrrrrr Kiiiiiiinnnnnnngggggg."
********************
THE TEST

Receptionist: "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been
a bit of a mix-up and wehave a problem. 

When we sent the samples from
your wife to the lab, the
samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well
and we are now uncertain
which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either
bad or terrible."

Mr. Smith: "What do you mean?"

Receptionist: "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested
positive for Alzheimer disease
and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is
your wife."

Mr. Smith: "That's terrible! Can we do the test over?"

Receptionist: "Normally, yes. But you have an
HMO, and they won't pay for
these expensive tests more than once.

Mr. Smith: "Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

Receptionist: "The doctor recommends that you
drop your wife off in the
middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't
sleep with her."

******************

THE DOG STORY

Warning: This is a groaner

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a
beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over
themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving
in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her
beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides
to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words "liver" and
"cheese" together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or
intelligence whatsoever."

She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said, "How well can you do?"

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the
Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature, but big in fame and finesse, is the
Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the
Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, "Liver alone. Cheese mine."

*******************

COUNTRY DRIVE

A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a
word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and
neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife
sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."

------------------------------------------------------------
ONCE A SALESMAN, ALWAYS A SALESMAN?

A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a
policeman. Several months later, a friend asked him how he
liked his new role.

"Well," he replied, "the pay is good and the hours aren't
bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong."

------------------------------------------------------------

Every time the man next door headed toward Robinson's house,
Robinson knew he was coming to borrow something. "He won't
get away with it this time," muttered Robinson to his wife.
"Watch this."

"Er, I wonder if you'd be using your power-saw this morning,"
the neighbor began.

"Gee, I'm awfully sorry," said Robinson with a smug look,
"but the fact of the matter is, I'll be using it all day."

"In that case," said the neighbor, "you won't be using your
golf clubs, mind if I borrow them?"

------------------------------------------------------------

A little girl was playing in the garden when she spotted two
spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?"

"That's a daddy longlegs," her father answered.

"So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?" the girl asked.

"No," her father replied. "Both of them are daddy longlegs."

The little girl thought about it for a moment then took her
foot and stamped them flat. "Well, we're not having any of
THAT in OUR garden."

------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call someone in the White House who is
honest, ethical, intelligent, law abiding and truthful?

A: A tourist

----------------------------



Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men
she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
----------------------------

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to
arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."
-----------------------------
A Sunday School teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to
go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie
replied, "Because people are sleeping."
----------------------------
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with
them to Jerusalem. A small child repled: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."
-----------------------------
A Sunday School teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her 5 and
6 year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'honor thy father and thy
mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our
brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered,
"Thou shall not kill."
-----------------------------
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including
human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him
how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he was ill, and
said, "Johnny what is the matter?" Little Johnny replied, "I have a pain in
my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."  

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